Kitten Sushi
by Temeraria
Summary: Sakura is given the most dreadful mission she could ever think of. She really wanted to go to that hot spring, but instead, she gets lost. What a drag. Rated T, though, contains strong language.


Sakura plopped under a tree, discarding the teal messenger bag. She was angry – no, that was an understatement. She was officially _pissed off._ Tsunade assigned her an S-ranked mission, but kept silent about the details. She knew damn right that Sakura would've refused the mission if she explained what it was about. Instead, neatly inked words resumed the dire task.

Scroll messenger. _Scroll –fucking- messenger__**.**_

Who did they think she was; a genin? The mission was boring, tiring and insulting. If it was another B-ranked mission, Sakura would've destroyed those scrolls the moment she found chance. But, _nooo_, not with S-ranked scrolls containing powerful jutsus – probably forbidden as well.

Sighing with further agitation, Sakura decided that she'd get back at Tsunade one way or another. But being in the middle of a forest with nothing but indignation and exhaustion; Sakura would have to wait for vengeance – approximately two weeks. She was passionately impatient, and waiting was not going to do. So, without further ado, she reached into the messenger bag and snatched out one of the scrolls.

Pay-back time.

She easily warded off any traps it way have contained, and expertly decrypted its contents. She stared at the words with a stupefied expression. Her mouth hung agape, her emerald eyes perfectly round.

_What the __**fuck**__ is this?_

"We invite all our fellow Suna ANBU comrades to join us… in… a _party_?" Her voice grew tiny with every word, until she squealed out the last word with utter dismay. A party? _That's_ the S-ranked mission? "What. The. Fu-" a bug crawled over her thigh. Infuriated beyond comprehension, Sakura let out an earsplitting scream, crushing the bug with a merciless slap.

"Ew." She gagged and wiped the bug's bloody carcass off her hand. Still pissed off, she stood up and stuffed the scroll back into the messenger bag. She didn't want to read the other one; she could pretty much guess what was inside. 'Strip club for the kages!' Okay, that was one was actually disturbing. Gaara… with a striper…

Sakura ran away from the scrolls, only to return just as quickly. This was a mission, for crying out-loud. She was going to get through with it and demand Tsunade a formal explanation. Or wait until she was sober enough to actually answer; either way, Sakura was going to get answers.

Not thinking about the contents of the scrolls, Sakura hauled the messenger bag over her shoulder; grimacing at its color. Why did it have to be teal, of all colors? It totally clashed with her pink hair. Unacceptable. Grumbling incoherent insults, the medic-nin started to trek through the forest. She was agitated and angry; not the best mix for this Kunoichi.

She walked for endless miles, the dust road presenting more and more dust; until it eventually became sand. Sakura hated sand; it always got into the most inconvenient places, like her bra. Her boobs would itch for _days_, thanks to the cursed sand. Stalling her visit to Suna was an urgent necessity, for she possessed no willpower at that exact moment. Her feet were already itchy with sand, and paranoia settled behind her tired mind.

'A detour,' she assured herself, turning towards the opposite direction. She had spotted the most heavenly looking hot spring, just a few miles away from Suna's border. It was so convenient; she was practically drooling with anticipation. Screw 'urgent' scrolls and their cryptic –almost insulting- contents. Sakura needed a good hot bath, and Sakura got what she wanted. Punches or not involved.

The sun was cooking her exposed flesh, turning its once pale-white tone to a lobster red. She looked like a spawn of the devil that just crawled out of hell, not mentioning the facial expression that practically bled anger. Oh, yes, the medic-nin was infuriated. She got lost. How does a Kunoichi get lost? She didn't know. She was just angry at that fact. She was able to kill, heal people with lethal wounds, and be very feminine whilst doing so; but she couldn't retrace her steps to a hot spring. She was so glad nobody was here to witness such tragedy.

Her mental rant got rudely interrupted with the biggest sigh Sakura had ever heard. It was like a bear was attempting a sigh, but managed a gruesome roar instead. Mentally, the pink-haired-crap-looking Kunoichi was ready for a battle; but her body didn't think so. Her muscles were aching like a giant bruise, and dealing with a bear was not in her to-do list. Well, if it was a bear above all things.

"Fuck." It just happened to be an Akatsuki member, taking a nice stroll under the searing sun. Brushing away the fact that he had blue skin, a massive sword, gravity defying hair, gills and a nicely done manicure; Sakura was more than relieved to know that someone else was suffering with sunburns.

The aquiline man stared at Sakura with shark-like eyes, never blinking. Starting to feel a bit grossed out, the Kunoichi decided it was an excellent moment to go hostile on his sorry-blue ass. "What the hell are _you_ doing here?" but no matter how many times she tried to think up something threatening, she couldn't do so. Really, all she wanted to do was find a local Inn and sleep until Tsunade sent a rescue party for her.

"Looking for you," the man grunted. He raised his hand, about to reach for his sword. Sakura freaked out.

"Oh, wait- No, no, no! We can come down with some kind of agreement, can't we? Let's not involve that nice… uh…-"

_Penis looking thing?_ her inner offered

"- … weapon." Sakura coughed awkwardly; the last thing she wanted to be was to get cock-sliced. And she honestly didn't know since when her Inner had revived. This was not the best moment for reunions.

"You mean Samehada?" he blinked, and Sakura nearly screamed with shock. "Don't worry, Kitten. He won't be a bother," his lips twitched into a smirk as he hauled his massive sword. Not being a bother her ass. Sakura was ready to runaway screaming. "I'm looking for a scroll you just happen to have," he frowned with distaste. So, apparently, he didn't appreciate being sent to petty missions like Sakura. That was good, they shared some similarities.

_That won't stop him from giving you a cock-slap, genius,_ her Inner snapped with distaste, but immediately focused her fictional concentration on the enemy's nicely shaped face. 'It has gills,' Sakura observed with horror, but Inner ignored her. It was so angular and…

"Done staring?" the man snipped with anger, causing the Kunoichi to straighten her back.

"What's there to stare at?" she retaliated, noticing far too late just how stupid her comeback was. An awkward silence followed after, the sound of the cicadas causing a tiny headache to form on her temples. She was really hot. The man in front of her –who was giving her praiseful looks-, seemed to agree. He was also hot, despite his moist looking skin.

_Yum. Puns,_ Inner snickered. Sakura wanted to punch the living daylight out of her own Inner self. She thought that after Sasuke had left, Inner had crumbled and died.

"Yeah, well, I'm tired of following your shitty trail around," he took a threatening step forward. "Hand over the scroll, and I just might spare one of your legs." He eyed her feet and licked his razor-sharp teeth. Sakura immediately drew out a kunai, prepared for the worst.

"I don't think so, Sushi." Her pet-name caused the man to grimace with disapproval. Apparently, he was touchy about his looks. Sakura felt a twinge of sympathy, and the thought of apologizing crossed her mind. Until she remembered that he was a notorious criminal that wanted to eat her legs. She almost hissed at him.

Giving no advanced warning, the man made a chain of hand seals, taking the pink-haired Kunoichi by surprised. She was in a state of dismay, once water started to pour out of the man's mouth. She almost gagged. Her fists accumulated large quantities of chakra, giving them a bluish color. She didn't know how she was going to punch the blue freak, when he was standing a few meters away. It really didn't matter; she just hated looking like a sitting duck.

Nearing the Akatsuki criminal, the Kunoichi noticed that a shark shaped out of water was hurling towards her. 'Well, fuck.' Was all she managed to think, before blocking the chakra pumped shark. She nearly tripped backwards, but regained her equilibrium in time. So, apparently, she was not going to land any punches on the bastard. She was kind of screwed.

Not knowing what to do, Sakura patiently waited for his next attack. It never came. Quirking an eyebrow, the medic-nin stared at the Monster of the Mist, trying to decipher what was going on in his head. _Probably undressing you,_ Inner observed with a lust-laced voice. Sakura immediately silenced the infidel.

"Well…?" she prompted with impatience, trying to find out what was going on. He was just standing there, grinning like a wicked fool. Her brows furrowed with annoyance, but she decided to stay put. Still, nothing. He was infuriating her. Her patience snapped, and she fell into a full-blown sprint. Instead of aiming for the blue male, Sakura decided to split the earth in half. That seemed to draw his attention.

"Holy-" he jumped sideways, ungracefully tripping on his cloak whilst doing so. He landed on a puddle of mud - face first. Sakura stared at him with confusion, her battle stance long forgotten. She was about to ask if he was okay, and if he was ready to die, when the body 'poofed' into nothing. Her eyes grew wide, as she turned around in time to dodge a kick.

"Sneaky sushi!" she barked, before punching his gut with a chakra laced fist. The figure simply melted into a puddle of water, soaking Sakura's feet. She relished the cold feeling, until a chakra presence made itself known – behind her. Instead of turning around, the Kunoichi simply hopped forward, staying out of the foe's grasp. She felt a growl rumble behind her.

"Nice try." Sakura's eyes closed shut, when a wave of water enveloped her whole figure. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't move, and she could definitely not curse. But she tried doing all of those at once, causing her lungs and stomach to expand with large amounts of water. She felt like a pregnant woman that was choking on sushi. She didn't like sushi.

After a few moments of torture, the jutsu was released, revealing a very pissed off girl. Her chest was heaving with effort, the lack of oxygen causing her flushed cheeks to turn pale, and her lips blue. She enjoyed the sun's warm rays, before punching the ground with frustration. "Idiot!" she hollered, and reached for the soaked messenger bag. "Now we both failed our mission!" The word furious was an understatement. But Sakura was a horrible liar, and the smirk that she meticulously tried to hide came to life.

_Bullshit,_ Inner boomed with laughter. _The scroll is water resistant, idiot. _There was a long pause. _And the real scroll is in your bra._ Sakura regretted that.

"Scrolls don't get ruined with a bit of water," the man clicked his tongue with disappointment. "Even a genin knows that, Kitten." Honest to Kami, what was wrong with the man? She did _not_ resemble a kitten in any way, unless it was a devil-kitten dyed in pink. That could be understandable, to some degree.

'Focus,' Sakura thought with frustration, but couldn't help the blush that dusted her cheeks. She would rather die cock-slapped by Sammyhada than tell him were the real scrolls were located. Without further argument, she tossed the teal messenger bag at him, glad that she had one less burden on her shoulder. That is, until she remembered that a pack of tampons was neatly packed inside the bag. She nearly screamed at him to give it back, but noticed he had already opened it.

_Real smooth, dumbass,_ Inner exploded with disapproval, making the already flustered Sakura more bewildered.

"What the-" the man narrowed his eyes, before taking out a soggy box of tampons. Sakura turned beet red, fidgeting on the mud like Hinata would in front of Naruto.

"Well, uh… you see… I have a kitten with serious issues…" her excuse was so lame, and her face turned another shade of red – if possible. She was ready to jump off a cliff.

"Your what?" the man's jaw went slack with disbelief, then he busted her with a knowing smirk. "Nice try, Kitten." He tossed the box away, chuckling with a teasing tone. Sakura awkwardly coughed, trying to ignore the sideway glances he kept shooting at her. She was more concerned about her tampons, they had cost her a good amount of coins; but they were probably useless by then.

At last, after discarding various items of the bag –and Sakura's stuttered excuses-, the Akatsuki member found what he was looking for. He frowned with annoyance, glaring at the pink-haired girl. He was surprised she hadn't runaway and that she was actually staring at his face without flinching. He deduced that she was stupid. He wanted to tell her how sorry he felt for her stupidity, but concentrated on the task at hand.

"This one's fake," he said with a flat voice.

"No, it's not!" the Kunoichi argued.

"Yes."

"No."

"_Yes."_

"No, damn it!"

"Yes! And if you say anything else I'll eat your hand, understood?" he snarled with clear annoyance. Sakura immediately snapped shut her mouth, staring at the man with the most adorable eyes he'd ever witnessed. He wanted to squish her and feed her and… and… he almost threw up with revulsion.

"Cough up the real deal before I chew on that sorry ass of yours," he instructed with a loose cough. His hand stretched forward, not-so-patiently waiting for the scroll. Sakura simply kept staring at him.

"Okay, but-" she darted towards the forest's foliage, trying to escape from the enemy. Her lousy attempt of escape ended up in a wrestling match, and soon, she found herself pinned underneath a nicely toned body.

_Oh my god, feel those abs,_ Inner squealed with a dreamy voice, urging Sakura to roll her hips upwards. Luckily, Sakura had something called self-control, and mentally gagged. But she had to admit, the man was very fit.

"Where is it?" the man growled, causing a wave of vibrations to course through Sakura's body. She nearly sighed with approval, until her current predicament slapped her across the face. Her hair was filthy with mud, but all she could register was how extremely close he was.

"Well, you see, if I told you…" she smirked, "I'd have to kill you."

He smirked back at her. "Oh, really now? And how to you plan on doing that, Kitten? Chewing off my face?"

"Well, first off - " she couldn't remember his name.

"Kisame," he supplied with a very courteous voice. Soon, they could start talking about how nice – yeah, right- the weather was, despite being in the middle of a 'battle' – if you could it that, at all.

"- Kisame," she continued, "I have a contract to finish, and that involves to 'not give out any information on your mission if you value your motherfucking life', so yeah. Sorry I can't help."

"Ask me if I care," his eyes beamed with glee, and Sakura suddenly felt awkward.

"Do you - " she started with a guarded voice.

"No. Now, give me the damn scroll before I go commando on your ass." And, certainly, that was something Sakura was not willing to witness.

"Uh… if you'd kindly release your bone-shattering grip on my wrists, I'd give you the scroll with much pleasure." Sakura had never spewed so much bullshit into one sentence. For starters, he was really gentle, and his skin was really smooth, and her Inner was practically melting with want. Also, she would feel no pleasure in giving him the scroll, no matter how ridiculous its contents were.

Kisame chuckled with amusement, "no can do, Kitten. You'd just try to kill me, if I did." And for once, Sakura sulked with her misfortune. He was smarter than he let on. "Now, I give you one more chance before I strip you, how about that?" he flashed a row of sharp teeth. She visibly gulped with dread.

"Aha, funny thing… I… I forgot…"

His left hand took hold of both her wrists.

"I really can't recall - "

He touched her hip, lightly tugging at the medic apron.

"- oh my god! My bra, it's in my bra!"

…

"Oh, fuck my life." She moaned before slapping her head against the mud. Kisame simply stared at her with a riddled look.

"It's in your - "

"Yes," she said with a solemn voice.

"Hn." Was all the blue-faced man grunted before reaching for the zipper.

"Whoa, what the fuck are you _**doing?**_" she squealed and squirmed under him, causing the man to become very aggravated. His primal instincts were roaring to life, and her squirming did not help.

"Stay still," he chided, before pulling down the zipper.

"Rape, ohmygod, rape, rape, rape!" she screamed, still trashing about. "Get off! I don't want to get violated by sushi! Ah! I like being a virgin!"

"Shut up," he snapped, "I don't want to screw around with a kitten – pink, at that." That seemed to silence her.

Trying to focus, Kisame stared at her revealed cleavage. Sweat rolled down to the valley of her breasts, causing his breath to hitch behind his breath. He couldn't see the scroll anywhere, was she lying? He glanced up at her, unable to form a suitable glare. She had the most adorable blush, he noticed.

"Where is it?" he demanded.

"What do you mean with 'where is it?'" she asked with a puzzled look. Her cheeks were so red, it reminded him of blood.

"Yeah, I don't see a scroll here." He poked in between her covered breasts, causing her to squeal with surprise.

"Don't do that!" she screeched. "I don't know! How would I know? Oh my god, get _off!_" she summoned all her strength, trying to heave him off her. To him, she was tickling him. He chuckled.

"Easy there, Kitten. Now, tell me where the scroll is before I take off your - " a flicker of movement snared Kisame's attention, causing his head to snap sideways. A wild cat had a scroll between its sharp fangs, ears flat with anger.

"Hey, Kitten," Kisame addressed Sakura, "tell the fur-ball to drop the scroll." He spared the pink-haired Kunoichi a glance, before resting his gaze on the cat again.

"I don't speak cat, idiot," she hissed. The cat's ears perked up, staring at Sakura with an intent look. Kisame shot Sakura a 'I-knew-it' look, before smirking. "I can't believe I'm doing this…" she mumbled, before turning towards the cat.

"Meow?" she said flatly. There was no reaction.

"Oh, come on, Kitten - "

"My name's Sakura, douche."

" - not even I believed that shitty mewling." He ignored her completely.

"Ugh, fine." She turned at the cat again. "Meowww, purr, purr, fuck you scroll stealing - I mean, meow." Still, the cat did not even blink. "Fucking, meow! _Meow, meow, meow! _Oh my god, this is fucking ridiculous!" Sakura screamed with frustration. "Just get Sammyhada out and dick-slap the fucker!"

Kisame's eyes narrowed dangerously, "Sammy-what?"

Sakura quickly turned back to the cat. "Meooow, meow, I'm about to get murdered, react, fucker! Purr, meow, whatever noise cat do, meow, meow!" she went silent, the cat simply stared at her. Then, Sakura hissed. The cat stood up, taking a step forward. Kisame beamed at the sight. Sakura kept hissing, her throat growing sore.

"Good, now, cat, just a little bit closer…" Sakura breathed, delighted with the fact that she could speak cat. Kisame dared not move; certain that he'd scare away the petit animal. At last, after a whole eternity, the cat approached Sakura.

"I love- "

It scratched her nose.

"- die motherfucker, dieeeee!" she screeched with a dignified tone, watching how Kisame lamely attempted to catch the scroll stealing sucker. Sakura was free at last, but she felt so dirty and defeated, that she stayed on the mud, grimacing.

"I hate cats… and sushi." She glared at Kisame. He glared back at Sakura.

"You scared it away." He grumbled, getting off her. Inner pouted with disapproval. Sakura sighed with relief.

She tsk'ed with annoyance. "I was pinned down in the mud, thank you very much. Now, thank to you and your -"

_Tight blue ass, _Inner chirped.

"- Sorry blue ass, I just failed an S-ranked mission." Sakura pouted, and then stood up.

"Me too, Kitten. Seems we're both into some trouble," he flashed her that infamous smirk of his.

"My name's Sakura," she muttered, before dusting herself off.

"Whatever, Kitten. I have to get going…" he looked around awkwardly, not sure what to say next. Sakura raked her fingers between the knots of her hair, trying to look somewhat decent.

"I got intercepted by high classed bandits while sleeping."

"I found you after you lost the scroll," he supplied.

"Deal." She zipped up her jacket.

Stretching his hand, Kisame grasped Sakura's tiny one. She blushed, but kept herself composed. Inner was having a field day with the most erotic scenes Sakura had yet to witness. They shook hands, and Sakura couldn't help but notice how soft his were.

"See ya'," Kisame grinned, before vanishing into thin air.

Sakura sighed, and turned towards what she thought was north; time to get back to Konoha and report the failed mission. The medic Kunoichi sighed with disappointment, but started walking anyway. "I want to eat sushi," she said to no one in particular. She could've sworn she heard a soft chuckle drift across the clearing, but ignored it either way.

It seemed like some Suna shinobi weren't going to attend a party. Such a shame.


End file.
